F – Friendships

When I give talks to primary schools, I share my experiences of being bullied by the other children, when I was at school. This quite often prompts the children to ask whether I had any friends at school and/or how long it took for me to make friends. When giving a talk recently, I explained that I didn’t have a real friend at primary school so it was not until I got to secondary school that a real friendship developed. I think this is because people see my disability before they see me as person. One of the messages which I leave primary school children with is not to be afraid to talk to people who are different to them, it is through talking to people that you get to know them properly. As I went through college and university making friends was easier probably because people were more mature and willing to take time to get to know me. However, even now that I am an adult, I still think it takes me much more time to make friends compared with non-disabled people.

The positive side to not being able to make friends quickly is that when I do, I really appreciate it and I do not take the feeling of total acceptance for granted. For example, when I used to go to Rock choir, I was so surprised at how accepted I was, people were always so friendly towards me, seeing me as a person rather than simply seeing my disability.

Most of my friends fall into two groups. The first group are friends who have known me for a long time and therefore have been patient in getting to know me. The 2nd group are the friends who I have met through the holidays run by the organisation Through the Roof (TTR.) The people on these holidays are either disabled themselves or are giving up their free time to go on holiday with disabled people therefore there is a different and deeper level of understanding. The first year I went on a holiday with TTR I had such a brilliant feeling and when I came back, I summed it up by using an analogy:

When I was there, I was like a fish in an enormous pond – I was in the world where I fitted in, no struggles, no trying to keep up with everyone. Whereas back at home, thanks to my brilliant friends and family I have lots of streams of water but not the big pond!

Without being too formal there are two main qualities which I look for in a friendship. Firstly, and most importantly, a friend who does not keep talking about my disability. I have known people who cannot seem to talk to me for 2-3 mins without keep going back to my disability. For example, I will be talking to someone and they keep commenting how well I do despite my disability or they are constantly questioning how I cope. The second quality being the ability to be empathetic- there is actually a thin line between the first quality and the second quality. By being empathetic I mean having the understanding that life can sometimes be difficult and if I am struggling and I do want to talk about my disability, and vent some frustration, having the patience to listen rather than just hear.

I don’t like to be too hard on myself when I say this but I do believe that being my friend requires
people to invest more effort than they would have to if I was able bodied. As I said at the beginning
people need to invest time in getting to know me as a person rather than simply seeing my disability.
There is also more giving than receiving in our relationships for example driving. As I
cannot drive friends have to drive me (I must admit that this is very handy if we going somewhere
serving alcohol!) My friends also end up doing a lot of carrying for me in terms of food and drink – to
name but a few things. On the flip side I do try to ‘give’ as much as I can. For example, I am very
reliable and punctual, if I say that I will be somewhere at a set time I will be there. I also do my best
at keeping in touch, especially when I know that friends are going through a tough time.

I therefore regard my friends as very special people and most of the people following this blog are
my friends so thank you being my friend!